Jewish
She put a ring on his finger. Well, he put a ring on her finger but that’s just semantics. Fleischbaum and Muir wedding, three o’clock. Well, ceremony at three. Three to four. We’ll break the glass and then we (well, those of you invited post-ceremony) will meet at the Eastern Beaches Rowers Club where Gefilte fish, Gebratenes and hot Kneidlach soup…okay sorry for being a schmuk…matzo ball soup will be served to one and all (well, those who are contributing to my, sorry again, OUR wedding coffers). We know you’ll have a great time and hope to see you there (you know who you are)!
What it means
Jewish people are mainly portrayed to us westerners by American TV shows as being irksome, troubled and basically neurotic people. Their women? Oy Vey! Yentas one and all. Sorry; overtly talkative, troublesome and essentially overbearing women. Wow, where do I sign up? Hang on shegetz, I know that all appears lovely. You can’t just join in on decades of persecution! You need to earn it.
Buddhist
That’s ok, really.
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No no, don’t bother.
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That bowl? No, no, I don’t need it. As you say. ‘Need’. Ha. Just leave it like that. That’s how it is meant to be. That bowl was always going to be like that.
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Hm?
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Oh I’m sure I’ll be able to find food to eat. They can put in here in my hand. I will get what is provided, that is the truth.
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No of course not, I will do something. I will get up. I will go to where I need to go. Sometimes I will need sustenance and I will have it. If not, I will not have it. You see?
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Well, you are not a monk.
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No I don’t think its that simple. It actually takes years of training.
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Yes, really.
What it means
At the base is the precept “all suffering is caused by desire”. NO SHIT. Fucking hell it takes severe abstinence and inhuman tolerance to adhere to this common sense epithet? How then to live without any kind of need, except of course the razor to shave your head, the garment maker, and the builder. What? You do all that yourself? You hand craft metal and polish it down to a razor sharp edge with which to cleanly remove all head hair? Namaste.
Also: is seems to me you can just all of a sudden lie in a heap and do absolutely nothing and be the best Buddhist in the world.
Catholic (excluding evangelicals and other right wing (mainly American) nut job factions, ok?)
So, so many things are wrong with you/the world. Oh God don’t get me started. Ok, sex before marriage, one, condoms, two, embryo research…well, pretty much anything to do with sperm, ovum and what happens when sperm touches ovum, three. Can we make this any clearer?! Pretty much all of our shit revolves around the whole sperm ova combo. Homosexuals, right! Not even an ovum! So, yeah it gets kind of weird but we don’t even like sperm on sperm. Okay? I’ve got it. Pretty much anything that comes out of your “yoo hoos” is what we’re against, or all about. I don’t know…um…read the bible. It’s pretty much in there. But yeah bodily fluids, pretty gross. God hates wasting that stuff. Did I mention priests can’t have sex? Yeah, they can’t That’s pretty important to know. Soooooooo, yeah. Praise Jesus.
What it means
No sex. Well, no sex before marriage. And even then you mustn’t ‘waste’ what is essentially the seeds of life. But there is a way brethren! A way to cheat God’s rule! Yay! What us good catholic law abiding followers have been waiting for: an honest way to say ‘fuck you!’ to God! Ha, he wasn’t looking too carefully when he let this one through. Sucker. It’s the magic of The Rhythm Method. The only catholic sanctioned way to have an orgasm and get away with it. It’s easy! The woman needs to keep a diary of her cycle, record her body temperature, note when and for how long she is ovulating and BANG, in that two or three days when there is almost (yes almost) no chance of her getting pregnant…GO FOR IT. Oh bless you dogmatic restrictive religion. You have blessed us with two (or three, maybe) days of sexual freedom. Get married first though.
